An online life is an odd thing but, for me it has been very positive. It has enhanced my own life, especially during the darkest days, in a way that I simply couldn't explain to someone who had not experienced it.
Strangers touch your lives and do it in a very profound way. Bonding takes place through shared interests, perhaps culinary, musical or sexual, and it is possible to grow very close. This is rare for me; I seldom let down my guard and can be a very distant man, seeming not to trust people but this is me and I am thankful when people accept me for who I am.
I have described myself as someone who, for deeply set reasons, does not feel love. This is not strictly true but, on the whole I maintain an emotional distance born of childhood self-preservation; something that is not easy to overcome.
Having a degree of feelings for someone who is not going to share your life is never going to be easy but I have found that it can actually be a pleasure in itself, and something to quietly celebrate. Online friends almost inevitably disappear as their circumstances change but that fragment of love can linger. A song or a mouthful of food is going to raise a smile for the rest of my life and I think that is a lovely thing.
I was reading an article about polyamorous life recently and came across the word compersion. Here is the quote:
"Compersion ...is the little warm glow that you get when you see somebody you really care about loving somebody else and being loved."
I do get that little warm glow.
Its a lovely feeling.
I smile.
